I had this strangest of all feelings on November 20th at about 11.30am and even made a post at 11.47am on Facebook that I felt strange. Several friends responded with concerns. But I decided to take myself to bed hoping that I felt better later. To my surprise no I didn’t but what had a hold on me? Even the next night at work I struggled and did so for a few days.
Then on Saturday 28th at about 16.10pm I got a message from my estranged son Charlie stating “that he felt I should know that his mum, my ex-wife had passed the previous week”. But did not say when. In fact, he told me nothing, not even funeral arrangements!
Little did I know that I had feelings of loss inside me and needed more information. The funeral arrangements were locked down as private. I Googled Lesley’s name and found her obituary on the Norwich papers online, she came from Norwich. Reading it made it very real for me.
Had I known she was still fighting cancer I would have wanted to visit her, say my farewells, promise to look after our son. I knew that she would know this, but it still would have been nice. Meanwhile in two years of total silence and being ignored by Charlie, he had dealt with her demise alone, when I could have supported him. I did it with my own mum for 24 years.
The feelings that arose hearing the news stunned me as we had not communicated for some 24 years too. I think I saw Lesley last when Charlie was 5 years old.
Reading the obituary Lesley passed on November 20th, the same day I had that strange feeling. I don’t know what time, but in my heart, I believe the feeling I had was linked to Lesley passing over. It was a feeling of being separated, pulled apart, like my body and brain were two separate platforms, not communicating with each other.
Anyway, I had feelings come to the surface of deep love from when we courted for many years before getting together. I say courted as I use to take the mickey out of her short stature when taking the daily takings to the bank. I actually used to call her” the poison dwarf” after Charlene Tilton from the Dallas TV programme. I recalled the years of chasing her, feeling disappointed when I did not get to see her.
She moved away to Norwich for a while, whilst she sold the bungalow from a previous marriage. Then one day around the Christmas period of 1990, I got a surprise. She was back and re-entered my life. I picked up where I left off chatting her up.
The first weekend in January 1991 she called me asking me out to a quiz. But I had the delayed works Christmas Dinner on. So I invited her along, updated the numbers and arranged for a night of getting to know each other. She was known by my work colleagues so it made it slightly easier on us.
Needless to say I went back to hers afterwards, the bungalow that she did not sell in the end. To say I woke up in the morning and went for a walk with her and the dog, “Mustard” ended the date off beautifully.
From that date onwards our lives were together, myself constantly staying with her. The love growed and February 14th we got engaged. The initial plans being marriage later that year or the next. But it changed as we wanted to go to Fuerteventura for our honeymoon. So affordability dictated we got married on Friday May 3rd 1991 at 3pm.
I was married to the woman I had played cat and mouse with for years, about 8 in total. I was madly in love at the time, looking forward to my first airplane journey but apprehensive. Lesley was an avid traveller so knew the ropes.
I remember everything about that period of two weeks away. I won’t divulge our personal secrets, many stories and memories, except the fact Charlie was conceived whilst away. He was due to be born February 10th, but entered this world on January 22nd 1992.
The pregnancy, the date he was born are all situations in my life as memories enveloped in the greatest love ever. Getting prepared and then the day he arrived, recalling every minute to this day. One’s that I treasure and hold close to my heart, even today.
Sadly the marriage failed before the 1st anniversary on account of many factors. Some far too emotional to share and despite my attempts to keep trying from my side it just broke down. We went our separate ways, and the rest is another story.
So in summary. Lesley I chased you, caught you, married you and got you pregnant with our son. No one can give another person a greater gift. I loved you through it all, and enough for us to go our separate ways. But never until your recent loss did I know that I still had that initial love inside me. I am sorry I was not told of your cancer fight, but I know that you are resting now and out of pain.
As for Charlie, he is our creation and I am so proud of that. He does mean the world to me and I just wish he would realise that. I am distanced from him right now, his choice but I am always here for him when he decides to close that distance.
I loved both of you then and now. Love never dies, but bonds people together, but just needs effort from both sides.
Rest in peace Lesley, you meant loads to me and despite the anguish of many years that followed my love never did die for you. My love for you grows on in Charlie, I just pray that he realises this one day.
Rest In Peace my sweetheart. XXXX
Our songs will always remind me of you.
Bryan Adams – (Everything I do) I do it for you. (Our courtship song)
Sinead O’Connor – Nothing compares to you (Our wedding first dance song)
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