2019:

2019 started as usual with the memoriam weeks of the death of mum 22 years ago, then the birth and death of my young brother within a week. But this year David would have been 30 years old. Then there is a gap until the anniversary too of my Dad’s death, also 30 years ago. I lost both in 4 months of each other. So it is always hard for me but more so on this special year. But I always get through one way or the other.

It did turn into a bad 2019, a year that I wish I could forget. I lost six friends in six weeks, two ex work colleagues, family and friends that took their toll on me. Then lost a resident at work towards the end of the year too. The rollercoaster of emotions did not help in a work situation reviving bullying memories and resulted in an emotional breakdown on the 23rd November 2019.

Little did I know I was still suffering these emotions from my childhood, marriage and previous work situations of being bullied. In fact I had thought I had dealt with them after watching a bullying programme on TV a few years previous. I broke down watching it without any warning. So this latest incident took me totally by surprise.

I hit rock bottom to the extent the only way back was up again. But after consultation with my doctor, who wanted to sign me off, the lack of finances would have added to my stress. So I kept battling on taking each day at a time. But I knew I had to do something. He did offer me counselling to think about.

So I went away to consider this for a while but knew it would not be instant and a waiting list. Meanwhile through work I learned of a local charity that offered help immediately. I gave this some serious thought and decided to contact the person running it.

This has been the best thing ever for me to do. I was assigned 12 sessions to map out my needs, discussions with a local counsellor. Both parties have become very good friends to me, and very supportive to me in many ways since. I started the sessions in 2020. Read that post.

So overall 2019 was a very draining, emotional year that had many factors to bring me down. It also included a relationship early year that I longed for but despite great effort just did not materialise in the way I saw it. They were cheating behind my back and arranging to see others as I was trying to make us work. It was a painful process as I really liked the guy, having known them for many years. But it was not to be unfortunately.

2020 would be a fresh start in many ways indeed. I had a plan, and entered feeling low, but with intention to make the next year a fresh start.

Read 2020 for more……

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